London, an abrasive newcomer to the village, explains his philosophy of life
and why you'd better watch yourself
Now let's get this straight:
Rules & Regulations Don't Apply To
Me. It's absolutely true, mate, so you'd better bend an ear.
examples. If I decide to ride my bike fast up Chancery Place then that's all
right, because any regulations about it Don't
Apply To Me. So if you're taking your kids for a walk then watch out,
because I'm a big lump and if I crash into you it might do some damage,
especially to the little ones. Your lookout, pal, even if you think
this one for size. Sometimes I park my car on the double yellow lines outside
the off-licence because it's convenient for Me. This might mean that the
pavement is blocked and, as a pedestrian, you'll have to walk out into the
road to make progress. This is double trouble if you're pushing a pram or
even bowling along in your wheelchair – I mean you could get badly injured.
My poorly parked motor also forces traffic to move over into the oncoming
carriageway, which could cause a nasty accident. I can see clearly why there
are regulations against people doing this, but fortunately They Don't Apply To Me.
queues are another thing. If I have to catch a bus from the village into town
don't expect Me to queue behind you because I haven't got the patience to
stand there while you faff about with your small change. I know there are
unwritten rules that try to control this situation and its potential for
aggravation, but as luck would have it They
Don't Apply To Me.
I think about it there are loads of situations where the rules Don't
Apply To Me. Like going home quietly from the pub at closing time;
farting in the public par of the Wheatsheaf; swearing in front of the vicar;
queuing properly at the bar; parking the motor across the white lines in the
Co-op's car park; taking up two seats on the train into London; chinning
anyone who burns me off at the lights and murdering the unlucky sod who looks
at me the wrong way in the pub.
lesson is this: None of the rules apply to me – only you. All right, mate?
A DOCTOR WRITES: Mr
London is a classically disturbed psychopath who thinks that everyone else
should bend over backwards to accommodate his wishes. The thought that any
decent, law-abiding citizen of Writtle would block the pavement with their
car outside the pharmacy or the off-licence, for example, is monstrous.
Certainly, no normal person would contemplate such a thoroughly selfish and
stupid action. After all, we have a pair of legs and it isn't so far to walk,
As for cycling in an
irresponsible manner up Chancery Place, no one in the village would be so
moronic as to do such a thing. Mr London may boast about injuring children
but the rest of us are far more considerate and intelligent in our behaviour.