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This site has been updated on December 2006

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They Don't Apply To Me.

Jimmy London, an abrasive newcomer to the village, explains his philosophy of life and why you'd better watch yourself  

Now let's get this straight: Rules & Regulations Don't Apply To Me. It's absolutely true, mate, so you'd better bend an ear.

Some examples. If I decide to ride my bike fast up Chancery Place then that's all right, because any regulations about it Don't Apply To Me. So if you're taking your kids for a walk then watch out, because I'm a big lump and if I crash into you it might do some damage, especially to the little ones. Your lookout, pal, even if you think differently.

Try this one for size. Sometimes I park my car on the double yellow lines outside the off-licence because it's convenient for Me. This might mean that the pavement is blocked and, as a pedestrian, you'll have to walk out into the road to make progress. This is double trouble if you're pushing a pram or even bowling along in your wheelchair I mean you could get badly injured. My poorly parked motor also forces traffic to move over into the oncoming carriageway, which could cause a nasty accident. I can see clearly why there are regulations against people doing this, but fortunately They Don't Apply To Me.

Bus queues are another thing. If I have to catch a bus from the village into town don't expect Me to queue behind you because I haven't got the patience to stand there while you faff about with your small change. I know there are unwritten rules that try to control this situation and its potential for aggravation, but as luck would have it They Don't Apply To Me.

When I think about it there are loads of situations where the rules Don't Apply To Me. Like going home quietly from the pub at closing time; farting in the public par of the Wheatsheaf; swearing in front of the vicar; queuing properly at the bar; parking the motor across the white lines in the Co-op's car park; taking up two seats on the train into London; chinning anyone who burns me off at the lights and murdering the unlucky sod who looks at me the wrong way in the pub.

The lesson is this: None of the rules apply to me only you. All right, mate?

 A DOCTOR WRITES: Mr London is a classically disturbed psychopath who thinks that everyone else should bend over backwards to accommodate his wishes. The thought that any decent, law-abiding citizen of Writtle would block the pavement with their car outside the pharmacy or the off-licence, for example, is monstrous. Certainly, no normal person would contemplate such a thoroughly selfish and stupid action. After all, we have a pair of legs and it isn't so far to walk, is it.

As for cycling in an irresponsible manner up Chancery Place, no one in the village would be so moronic as to do such a thing. Mr London may boast about injuring children but the rest of us are far more considerate and intelligent in our behaviour. Aren't we?



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